Chapter 128

128
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WASHINGTON, D.C.

California Radio Minister Buck Stratton surprised a crowd of two million of his followers in a mass rally at Lincoln Memorial when he announced his candidacy for the President. Announcing the formation of the Fundamentalist Congress Reform America Party or FCRAP as it is certain to come to be known, Stratton listed a litany of Biblical sins which he promised to eliminate from the United States if elected. The short speech, delivered in Stratton's unique style was stopped thirty-one times by the applause of an enthusiastic crowd who listened under clear sunny skies. Pastor Stratton returned to San Diego immediately after his speech. It was apparently his first live speaking engagement ever, and his first public appearance since his meteoric rise to prominence in his radio ministry.

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Election analysts here are surprised with the rapid shift in party affiliations on voter registration around the country. Faced with a 14% share of voters registered as Republicans, Republican National Committee Chairman Raleigh Van Sythe called for Congressional inquiries into possible voter registration fraud in all districts. The Democratic Party is presently holding a slight edge of registered voters with 16%.

The Fundamentalist Congress American Reform Party after only one week of active voter registration is making a strong showing with around 20% of registrations in all districts. The United Christians for Christ Party continues to hold a strong majority of 47%. The abandonment of the traditional parties and the sharp divisions between the FCRAP and the UCFC suggest little probability of last minute party shifting even though the election is still months away. Neither of the two leading parties is apparently concerned with voter apathy which has traditionally resulted from campaign activities this long before November elections.

Analysis of current national Congressional trends suggests that all open seats in both the House and Senate would likely fall to either the UCFC or the FCRAP. Experts on legislative possibilities predict that an election held tomorrow and dominated by the new parties would result in grid lock in the Congress. A spokesperson for the Traditions Foundation which studies government activity said, "Between the complete lack of experience and the atmosphere of conflict from opposing religious viewpoints, Congress could become a shambles. That condition could well prevail until members negotiate areas of common tolerance which would allow them to once again cooperate on legislation."

UNITED NATIONS, N.Y.

Ambassador Joul Li Chang, speaking for the Government of the People's Republic in an address to the General Assembly, today repeated China's "grave concern" at the prospects of a religious government in the United States. "Evangelism backed up by an arsenal of two thirds of the world's Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles can become an irresistible colonial combination in the hands of reactionaries and opportunists. China has finally purged the influence and the exploitation of European religion in favor of the establishment of a Revolutionary Marxist Culture and Economy. We have no intention of returning to those days. The People of China know that professing faith in the American religion of Jesus Christ is only a prelude to working in a tennis shoe factory for eight cents an hour a week a year later."

TAMPA, FL UCFC HEADQUARTERS

In a long awaited news conference, UCFC Oracle and Presidential Candidate, Martha Stratton answered reporters' question in the vast Meeting Hall of the UCFC Headquarters Building. When asked about using church property for her news conference, Stratton smiled and replied, "Well, President Bob Haskill and his Attorney General didn't want the UCFC to be a church any longer. We immediately took action to protect all of our non-profit services -- orphanages, drug treatment, homeless and the like. Those enterprises are functioning just fine on tithes. We also reorganized to protect the church."

"But our political arm pays taxes like a nose bleed. That's how they keep the common people out of politics. I assume he is pleased that we have converted what's left into a tax paying Political Action Committee. It has worked out well enough so far."

"The offer from the Justice Department to restore our full tax exempt status was predictable. It just means that President Haskill would rather have our votes than our taxes."

She made the following comment concerning her ex-husband, Pastor Buck Stratton's entrance into the Presidential race. "First of all, it wasn't his idea. Buck Stratton is a foolish little drunk who could never come up with an idea like that. He's a weasel. He goes for thousands of little things. That's the way he cheats his way to the top, never something like this."

"I thought he did very well giving his speech, you know. How would you like to speak to two million people the first time out of the house? I was also pleased that he didn't drag his little harlot, Lolly Harshaw, up the podium so's she could listen to him rant and rave about the sins of fornication. As a matter of fact, the only sins he listed that he hasn't done himself are murder and grave robbing. That's because murder is too complicated and grave robbing is too much work. If you liked that speech, stay tuned. There will be plenty more. The only real qualification he has to be President is that you can't shut him up."

Responding to questions concerning China, Mrs. Stratton also commented on the speech by the Chinese Ambassador to the UN. "I don't see why they've got such a bee in their bonnet! We tried to butt into their affairs back as far as Mao Tse Tsung seventy-five years ago. Every time we tried, they told us to mind our own business. I suppose they kind of hurt our feelings. Now they're butting into our business. We should tell them to stick to their own knittin' and butt out. I figure they will get hurt feelings about that. Sort of like we always did. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Doesn't matter if the gander is Chinese or something else."

Mrs. Stratton was asked about the apparent demise of the traditional party structure in the United States. "They both made a mistake. They thought they could just keep going on forever with the same boring claptrap. How many times do I need to listen to some politican tell me about change, or a bright new day. They screwed up. They sold out. They don't have anything anyone's still interested in except maybe their 'extra special friends', if you know what I mean. So. Bob Haskill gave a party and nobody came. I personally think you'd just about have to be brain dead to vote for him, but It's America. You sure can if you want to."