Chapter 28

28
 GLOBAL IUP WIRE SERVICE

VATICAN CITY The Vatican today announced that it had entered into an agreement with the Government of Brazil to assist in the examination of the Brazilian Jesus, now living under what has been described as "protective hospitality" in Rio De Janeiro. Details of the proposed examination were not given by Antioni Cardinal Piccioli, Dean of the Institutes of Antiquities for the Church. Both the process of the examination and the Church's role in it will be established by the Institutes of Antiquities in the Vatican College. Past activities of the Institutes of Antiquities have dealt with verifying physical relics and written material from ancient times. The goal of the examination is to attempt to determine if the Brazilian Jesus is Divine in the sense of The Second Coming.

VATICAN CITY The Vatican announced the leader of the examination team to be sent to Brazil. The head of the Vatican's Institutes of Antiquities, Cardinal Piccioli, will lead the team which will visit the Brazilian Jesus in Rio De Janiero. At a press conference at the Vatican, Piccioli today explained that the Church had developed both the philosophy and techniques required for such a determination through its long history. He suggested that Catholics everywhere can be confident in the impartial findings. The team leaves for Brazil this week.

RIO DE JANEIRO Anonymous sources within the Brazilian Government report that preliminary DNA tests conducted on the Brazilian Jesus are consistent with the cloning process claimed to be his origin. The same sources indicate that Jesus' DNA presents a mother-son relationship with DNA taken from the hair of The Madonna provided from the Holy Reliquary in the Vatican Institute of Antiquities.

NEW YORK, NY Christians for Christ leadership today increased criticism of Vatican plans to employ "its philosophy and techniques developed over the centuries" to interrogate the Blessed Savior. The group claims that the Catholic Church had already conducted savage inquisitions for three hundred years while it was developing its techniques for such examinations. The CFC called again for the rescue of the Brazilian Jesus and His transportation to the United States. Sources for Christians for Christ still holds the opinion that "We'll be able to tell if He's the Savior as long as they don't dissect Him before He gets here!"