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THE WATERGATE HOTEL, WASHINGTON, D.C.
THE WATERGATE HOTEL, WASHINGTON, D.C.
ANNOUNCEMENT
WASHINGTON, D.C.
The Hampshire Management Group, parent company of the Corporation which manages the Watergate Hotel today announced that it will request that Jesus Robeles, its most famous guest, and His party move to other accommodations. Citing the numbers of Secret Service, military and State Department personnel now living in the hotel on a permanent basis, the management of Hampshire claims the hotel has lost its hospitality role in favor of becoming a sprawling residence.
All other areas of the hotel have been completely filled with both reporters and what the hotel now calls 'pilgrims' -- civilian guests who reside there for religious reasons. The Watergate has not rented a room to a new guest for over two months.
WASHINGTON, D.C.
The Hampshire Group in a press conference Thursday announced the sale of the Watergate Hotel property in Washington, D.C. for an unspecified amount. The purchaser of the property requested to remain unnamed until business plans could be finalized. The sale was handled by the Santos Group, a financial services company, representing the new owner.
CHANNEL SIX ACTION NEWS, WASHINGTON D.C.
"This is Abbey Porter, Channel Six Action News at Six. Tonight we will bring you an interview recorded earlier today by our News Anchorman, Loren Taylor and United States Marine General Justus Tower. General Tower is the official liaison between the President and all branches of government and Jesus Robeles, the young Man from Brazil Who is causing such a commotion here in the Beltway. We can run that interview now."
"Hi, I'm Loren Taylor from Channel Six Action News. Today I am speaking to General Justus Tower of the United States Marines. General Tower is the man who deals directly with Jesus Robeles to coordinate..., well, General, perhaps it better if you tell us exactly what your function is with Jesus."
"I'll be glad to do that, Loren, but first I'd like to ask you not to involve my Christian name. That's for when I am not wearing this uniform. I prefer just 'General Tower'"
"Of course, General. Is just 'General' okay?"
"Certainly. I am a General, and its perfectly good manners to just call me what I am."
"Well, General, what can you tell us about day to day affairs there in the Watergate? What is Jesus like when He's living upstairs in the penthouse?
"Loren, He and his party are very quiet and private individuals. When someone looks at the operations room and His switchboard, he might think that there was a famous rock star or someone up there in the penthouse, but it's not like that at all. Both of the young men have excellent manners and have always been quite thoughtful of all the staff in the hotel as well as the Marines and Secret Service. You know that they came from a very isolated rural area in Brazil, but they show the qualities of an excellent upbringing. Their primitive background reveals itself in some things, but their comportment is impeccable. They are gentlemen in every sense of word."
"You keep mentioning more than one person, General. What can you tell us about Jesus' traveling companion?"
"That would be Juan. Juan and Jesus grew up together from childhood. They are very close and from our perspective, quite similar. Juan, like Jesus, is quite respectful and mild mannered. Juan agreed to accompany his Friend at the time the Brazilian Navy evacuated the island. Juan is a very interesting man."
"Do they just stay in the hotel all the time? Do they ever go out, General?"
"They have gone out on occasion, but the level of security necessary makes outings around the Washington area difficult. They both love the city and the sights, but as I said, traveling by car is complicated."
"General, you make me wonder if Jesus makes outings to places other than around Washington."
"Yes, Loren, His party enjoys outings to natural places. The location of such places is, of course, classified."
"General, what is your official relation to Him? Do you ever say 'no' to Jesus?"
"I represent the Government of the United States, as such I would have no place to ever say 'no' to Him. I might propose an alternative, but I would just never be in a position to say no. He's is as free to come and go in this country as you or I."
"Approximately what is the cost to the taxpayers for His stay here so far? With all the support He requires, the bill must be extremely high."
"Loren, that question is easy. The taxpayer cost is nothing, zero. Jesus Robeles pays all costs associated with His stay, usually about fifteen to eighteen million dollars per month."
"General it has been reported that several young ladies visited Jesus in the penthouse. Can you tell us if there is anyone special to Him?"
"No comment."
"That means they did."
"That means no comment. Jesus has His own private life. The United States Marine Corps is on duty at that hotel to protect His privacy and safety. We keep others from intruding into His affairs. We do not intrude into His affairs. This interview is ended."
"And that ladies and gentlemen is the tape of our own Loren Taylor trying to get a better picture of General Tower, the Commanding Officer for the staff at the Watergate Hotel."
WASHINGTON, D. C.
In a rare television interview yesterday Marine General Justus Tower revealed that the Brazilian Jesus was paying all costs associated with His stay at the Watergate. The payments are said to include the costs of Secret Service and military personnel along with military helicopters and other expenses. An amount between fourteen and eighteen million dollars has been paid monthly on invoices from the GAO.
Wall Street financial analysts estimate that Jesus' investment portfolio is currently yielding as much as $100,000,000 per week from investments around the globe.
